Hello, new teachers! The Beacon welcomes you to Wilson and hopes your experience here is enjoyable. To make your transition smoother, here are some dos and don’ts for survival at this beloved institution.

DON’T: Drink the fountain water. Please purchase a water bottle, for your mental and physical wellbeing. Spitting out the exotic debris that might end up in your mouth is pretty embarrassing, as well as extremely likely. It’s happened to me, it’ll happen to you. 

DO: Attempt to embody a millennial (circa 1980-1995) who is also fairly politically active and has strong opinions about the state of America. This will grant you instant cool points. Promise. 

DON’T: Leave your valuable personal belongings out of your sight. Theft culture at Wilson is noticeably widespread, and on a more serious note, the wounds from stolen airpods never completely heal. I would know. 

DO: Infiltrate the closely-knit English department. They are very cool, so cool, we love them. You will be cool by association. I am not saying this because the Beacon is sponsored by Mr. Nissly, no way. 

DON’T: Be late. If you try to enter the building after 8:44, teacher-pal, you will be sorely hurt. As soon as the clock hits 8:45, all 2,000 students instantly teleport to the security gate, effectively blocking off your entrance and leaving you in a mild panic.

DO: Get hip. Wilson kids have tons of lovely colloquialisms, including “I want to die” which means “us Gen Z kids have no motivation and expect instant gratification.” Take this as you will.

DON’T: Cry in front of students. We will see your weakness and eat you alive.

DO: Take advantage of your location! Rolling hills, diverse places to eat that are nearby, as well as the pride and crowning joy of Tenley, The Metro.

This concludes our list. Anything else you will find out on your own, painstakingly. But! I will leave you with one more gem: If you want to avoid students during the weekend, the only solution is never leaving your house. We are everywhere. (But especially Tenley, Georgetown, and basically anywhere with a shopping center). We wish you the best!