Hey guys, it’s us, Sharah. Recently, there was a ~holiday~ that took place. If you are unaware, no worries, it’s pretty underground. It is called ‘New Years’ (we know, exotic) and many people make ‘resolutions’ for it, such as ‘stop eating chocolate’ or ‘be more productive’ or ‘learn how to use quotation marks correctly.’ So if you’re like us and have given up, you can relax! If not, consider these techniques for breaking your resolutions, before your new plant-based diet ruins your ability to process meat.

1. Don’t celebrate the New Year. It’s cheap, it’s easy, it’s simple. 

2. Cut off all who make a mistake. Enough of this forgive and forget stuff. Human error is completely unacceptable in the new age. We’re not even vibing with ‘humans’ anymore. Robot army, where ya at?

3. Drop out. At least 420.69 percent of Wilson students’ resolutions were to actually do their homework instead of gambling with the mice in the atrium after school. But! If you no longer attend Wilson, you will no longer lose upwards of 1,000 dollars weekly to the mice you gamble with. It’s a win-win! 

4. Stop drinking water. She’s canceled. If you think about it, the whole ‘drinking water’ trend is sooo toxic. People always tell us, “the human body should be about 70 percent water,” but we don’t care. Zero percent water is fine with us… who are you to tell Sharah Lorgan what our singular body shouldn’t be made of? What next? We can’t take straight arsenic shots? As if we’d listen to you. 

5. Consume the animals. All of them.

6. Glue your phone screen to your eyes. We hear a lot of people saying they want to ‘have less screen time’ because screens are ‘unhealthy’ and ‘degrading their relationships’ and making them ‘emotionless robots.’ But we believe that in the future humans will eventually devolve and lose their mouths, communicating selectively through immensely painful grunts. And Kik Messenger. Can I get an ARRRGGGHHH!!? 

7. Stop chasing the bag. At this point, if you haven’t acquired the bag, you’re doing something wrong. She’s playing hard to get… in 2020, we let the bag chase us.

We’ll end it here. This is also the last time you’re gonna hear from us because we’ve resolved (lol) to take up permanent residence at your mom’s house. Wait a minute… getting new info here… Actually, we will see you next month! We were kidding about that mom stuff, she had us forcibly removed from her home. Karen, if you see this, we miss you. •