Everyone loves secret menu items. Lucky for you, the Wilson cafeteria has its own secret menu that only a select number of students know about. These treats give you a behind the scenes look at the world-class (soon to be Michelin star) Wilson cafeteria. I decided to share my knowledge about these items with the entire Wilson population so that everyone can enjoy them.

1. Ask for your nachos “with a crunch”

Tired of the old and boring mystery meat and cheez sauce? Try asking for your nachos with a crunch. When you ask for your nachos with a crunch, the person behind the counter will go out into the atrium and pick up some twigs from planters. This is a great way to spice up your diet and get back at Michelle Obama for dumbing down our school lunches. Alternatively, if you want your nachos soggy, see number 6. 

2. Petition for the “protein of the day”

This is a fun one if you want to see a security guard run at unfathomable speeds. When you ask for the protein of the day in any of your meals, this security guard will sprint down the halls and throughout the school, until they catch one of the birds that usually soar around the third floor. They will then return the bird to the cafeteria where it will be microwaved for exactly eight minutes and add it to your dish. This is a great bang for your buck. It only costs two dollars extra and your dignity.

3. Ask for your lasagna “with a squirm”

This one is truly a game-changer for you food connoisseurs out there. When you ask for your lasagna with a squirm, they will give you the bottom of the lasagna (wow!). This part of the lasagna is very… interesting. Not only is it extremely wet due to the moisture, but it will actually squirm if you receive the right piece. Call it whatever you want! disgusting? Yes. Intriguing? Definitely. Worth it? Of course.

3. Ask for your burger “healthy style”

Usually, at the end of STEP, there are a few lonesome burgers left at the bottom of the bin. These burgers are usually very disgusting and terrible for your health, but when you ask for it “healthy style” it will actually benefit your health (as stated by resident nutritionist and muscle head Coach Dunham). When you ask for your burger healthy style, the person running the sandwich bar will replace the burger with leftover olives from the sandwich bar and replace the bun with lettuce leaves. This is a good option if you want to cut out both carbs and your dignity.

4. Ask for real food.

This is a good one because they will all just stop what they are doing and look at you funny.

5. Request your nachos to be “lost in the sauce”

This is another way in which you can spice up those nachos. Instead of ordering regular beans, say that you want them “lost in the sauce.” When you say this, the person running the nacho station will only put the bean ~water~ on the nacho and no actual beans. Although this may seem repulsive at first, hear me out. This provides a good balance between liquid and solid, similar to that of the chunky milk. 

We hope that you enjoy these vibrant items provided by the Wilson cafeteria. But with all secret menu items, the fun comes from knowing that most people don’t know of it. 

PSA: If you send a video of you ordering one of these items and send it to @thewilsonbeacon on Instagram or Twitter, you will be entered into a raffle to win a kiss from Mr. Bargeman. •