Another day, another dollar. Another month, another satire! Welcome back to your absolute favorite part of the Beacon (that’s right, we know you skip all four pages of the News section to get here. And we love that.) Now we all know it’s March, which means one thing: Spring! And with spring comes the impending doom of disease and cleaning. So, without further ado, we present our recommendations on how to start off spring right.

1. Piss all over your floors. This is a good one to start off your cleaning with. It’s also pretty easy.
2. Join the crew team. Despite quitting freshman year, we can tell you that the Potomac looks almmmmmost decent in the springtime. Gliding over its muddy brown waters in your boat while the rest of the team yells at you that  “you’re not actually rowing” and that “there’s a bridge right in front of us.” Mutated fish swimming around with three sparkling eyes. And best of all, waking up at 4:30 AM. An island getaway couldn’t top it.
3. Live. Laugh. Love. You see, we live by three words and three words only. We suggest you do the same
4. Quit the crew team! Hurry, before the rowers get too attached. If you need help quitting, just call the hotline 1800-CREW-IS-A-CULT, it’s open like all day. We would know because we run it.
5. Face your inner demons. Okay, we know this one is a tough one. Jerry (your inner demon) has bad breath, showers every three months, and has no sense of boundaries. You gotta let him know that enough is enough. Spring is a time for renewal! We believe in you, you just have to put your mind to it. All you gotta do is look in the mirror.
6. Stay home! You THOUGHT we weren’t gonna bring up The Virus.
7. Kill flower. We know this message is pretty open-to-interpretation, which is how we like it. What we don’t like? Pollen. You see, our allergies act up in the spring so it would be super cool if you could just like. You know. End that problem.

We’re glad to know you’re going to follow every bit of our advice because we’re in quarantine right now, and you have absolutely nothing better to do. Plus, once you read this you have to send it to ten of the most literate kids that are on your next Zoom call (in a private message, of course), or Jerry will tear your psyche apart. Scarryyyyy. It’s good to have friends in low places (get it, because Jerry is a demon). •