ELLIE MELICK, STYLE EDITOR Being a freshman can be hard. You’re in a new place, with new people, and everything is stressful and intimidating. You don’t know how you’re possibly going to survive. But to all you fretting freshmen out there, I am telling you with 100% certainty that you will make it through this year. You will eventually feel comfortable here at Wilson. You absolutely can, and you absolutely will.

But not without my help.

I decided to put together these helpful tips because I know firsthand how hard it is to be a freshman. I figured my expertise on the subject could greatly benefit all the scared incoming ninth graders, so I decided to give back to the community and bless you with this fool-proof list of advice.

1-Befriend upperclassmen

This one is huge. There is no better way to earn respect from your peers than getting close with the big guys. And there is no better way to get close with the big guys than by jumping right to it.

At lunch, scout out an area with lots of older kids and sit with them. Share your food, share your stories, share your love of Velcro shoes. And don’t worry about rejection; upperclassmen love when newbies hang around them at STEP. Also, if your new friends try to move away from you, be persistent. They’re likely just testing you to see if you’re committed enough for them.

The final way to secure a relationship with upperclassmen is by finding out where all their parties are, and going yourself. All the older kids know that a freshman who’s willing to put themselves out there like that is definitely worth keeping around. I find that one of the best ways to make friends at a party is by choosing one person to follow around the whole night and learn everything about. Don’t worry, it won’t be weird at all.

NOTE: Keep in mind that sophomores are NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. They do NOT count as upperclassmen, so LEAVE THEM ALONE. Don’t sit with them, don’t talk to them, don’t even look at them—sophomores are irrelevant. So focus ALL your attention on juniors and seniors. As far as you’re concerned, the 10th grade doesn’t even exist.

2-Make every day spirit day

This one can actually be used in two ways. The first is a bit easier, as it involves only you. Basically, all you have to do is decide a dress-up theme for every day of the school year. The basic themes that are used during spirit week—Twin Day, Wacky Wednesday, etc.—are already taken, obviously. But that still leaves an endless amount themes to choose from, including a few of my personal favorites, like Indigenous Australian Instrument Day, Amphibious Plant Day, and Justin Bieber Obsession day.

But if you really want to take this tip to the next level, which I highly recommend, you can’t just do a spirit-year by yourself. You have to get as many people as possible involved, which you can do easily by handing out fliers at STEP, or starting a Facebook page, or simply putting a notice in the Daily Bulletin, since every Wilson scholar reads that religiously.

At first, people may think you’re weird for coming to school one day dressed in a Lychee costume (Exotic Fruits Day!). But once people know what you’re doing, everyone will want to join in on the fun. Eventually, everyone at school will be sporting authentic parkas for Alaskan Inuit Day, and potato sacks for Great Depression Day. And YOU’LL be known as the hero of it all!

3-Turn Wilson into the school from Glee

If there’s one thing Wilson loves, it’s that show Glee. Always funny, relevant, and fun to dance along to, Glee is a great show that all Wilson kids are obsessed with. Because of how awesome the show is, everyone wishes Wilson were more like the high school in the show, but so far no one has been brave enough to come down the atrium staircase singing and dancing to a catchy mashup of “Drunk In Love”/“Turn Down For What”.

And that’s where you come in.

As I’ve said before, all the coolest freshmen are the ones most willing to put themselves out there. So I strongly encourage you to learn all the words to a fun, hip song, (I’m personally feeling a rendition of Taylor Swift’s new “Shake It Off”), choreograph it, add some harmonies, and one day let your inner Lea Michele shine bright.

Soon, every kid at Wilson will want to follow suit, and we’ll become the real life version of Glee’s William McKinley High School.

Now, my little freshman, I leave you with this list, knowing you will make excellent use of it and firmly secure a spot for yourself in the the hearts of all the upperclassmen. So go on out there, and don’t forget that no matter how things go this year, always be yourself—and always remember there is no such thing as “doing too much.”

*This is a satirical piece. The advice listed here is really bad. If you do these things people will probably think you’re weird.

Photo by Sarah Torresen