Hello subscribers who love us so! We can imagine you have been wandering around aimlessly this month, without your October satire. Well, wander no more! As many of you are aware, cuffing SZN is upon us. Last year we told you how to cuff that sophomore in your music class, but unfortunately, school is online this year! This has seriously limited our mating pool. Therefore, the lovely and generous Sharah Lorgan is here to give you some surefire tips to bag that student whose video you pin in secret.

• Keep your camera on. Recording devices stay ON during bathroom breaks. Your crush needs to know the quirky and authentic person you are, even if they keep their camera off all class like loser weirdos. (Imagine leaving your teacher all alone to stare at names on screens? Rude, hurtful, disrespectful. We would NEVER. Lolz.)

• Ask HurtBae for dating advice. He knows what to do. Trust him <3

• Take them on a socially distant date through Wilson. We know it sucks that you and your future lover must stand six feet apart, but nothing says “have my children” quite like a walk through the art wing (when it’s not flooded, of course).

• Get tested with them. For COVID and other illnesses… you know… the s*xually transmitted ones… 

• Vote! Haha, we are kidding guys don’t vote haha it doesn’t matter.

• Invite them to Foco. Did you hear? It’s not bad if you and all 27 of your closest friends have a party in your backyard! It still counts as social distancing! So go ahead, get dressed up. COVID will go away on its own!

• Kiss them through the phone. 678-999-8212.

• Send nood(le)s through Teams. We aren’t saying we endorse this. We are just saying that you could potentially impress them with your boldness. And pasta-making ability.

• Pacer-test date. Simulate our favorite school activity at Fort Reno! It’s pretty easy to socially distance, and we have the script right here for you: “The FitnessGram™ PACER Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.”

There you have it. We can assure you these work as we have tried every single one of them on each other and they worked. Sometimes Sharah says to Sharah, “Remember when we had that Pacer Test date?” And Sharah will respond, “Yes, it was amazing.” And then Sharah says to Sharah, “Remember when I showed you my pasta over Teams?” and the other Sharah says, “Yes, that was weird.”