Hello loyal subscribers! These past nine or 104 months, we’ve been extremely focused on this “COVID” thing; how to avoid catching it, how to stay healthy, and more. But the great Sharah Lorgan thinks that is extremely unfair… what about all the other sicknesses that we have neglected? We just kick them to the curb? That’s not right. We bet you can’t even remember when the common cold ruled the land, well, we don’t. That is why we bring to you the top ways to catch a cold this winter.

• Wear a neck gaiter as a scarf. This is for all the cool cats who read the New York Times. You guys know what’s up.

• Dare to visit the red states. Sickness isn’t the only dangerous and scary thing they’re carrying. (Guns.)

• Lick the metro floor. You’re probably thinking, ‘What? But the metro floor is so clean! They clean it every day, no–every minute!’ Well, Sharah Lorgan used to be an avid metro rider (see metro challenge article) and let us be the first to tell you the common cold is the least of your worries if you lick the metro floor.

• Ask a Georgetown Brandy Melville employee to spit on you. You know they want to. Bonus points if you’re not a skinny white girl, then they definitely want to. 

• Sit on the lap of a mall Santa. Since Sharah Lorgan is half Jewish, we’ve never had the pleasure of sitting on the lap of a mall Santa, but we have had the pleasure of telling Chr*stian kids Santa isn’t real. Anyways, we are sure that sitting on his lap will not only be a terrifying experience, but you may learn something about yourself (you want to convert).

• Eat canned cranberry sauce. We know Thanksgiving is over, but surely eating that stuff is an illness all in itself. Now imagine eating it weeks after the only holiday stupid enough to accept canned cranberry sauce.

• Offer to babysit your Dad’s girlfriend’s kids. Little kids are dirty, but none are dirtier than her kids. Fr*ck you Shannon. 

• Clean your room. Do you dare clean up the disgusting, untouchable mess that is your room nine months into quarantine? You will definitely catch something mutated there, and maybe even find your old ukulele and some journals from the 2nd grade!

• Seniors only: go to Foco with that cute freshman. A cold isn’t the only thing you’ll catch. 😉

Take that, COVID! Try not to be such an attention wh*re next wave, smh. (Because there will be a next wave). We have tried every single one of these (except the last one, Sharah Lorgan is in a very committed relationship to Sharah Lorgan), but we can assure they will all bring the desired results. We would know as we currently have a rare evolved version of the common cold. A collector’s item, one may say. So drop a like and a comment and don’t forget to subscribe!