Hello loyal fans! We’ve decided that, this month, despite our history of never, ever, ever talking about COVID, we are going to talk about her! Contrary to popular belief, Sharah Lorgan was the first person to get both doses of the vaccine, and we liked it so much we got it ten more times. We’re gonna bless you with our inside knowledge on how the vaccines work—not only have we gotten it several times, we also have a PhD in (laughter is the best) medicine. That being said, here are some tidbits of advice that will be useful when you eventually get your vaccine, from your local experts.

• Spread misinformation AND effectively kill a bunch of people inadvertently! This is already a pretty well-known tactic, a lot of people do it already… all we’re saying is that it leaves more vaccine for us.

• Bite the person administering your vaccine. They say human flesh helps it integrate inside of the cells easier.

• Cry. We know that you probably stopped crying about vaccinations when you turned 18, like any fully-developed and functional person. But we’re encouraging you to think back to the premature age of 17, when you were still sobbing uncontrollably at the sight of a needle. It helps with the nerves. 

• Create your own vaccine! A little bit of sugar, flour, and a whole lotta love ought to do the trick!

• Read about vaccine ingredients. When we read the article stating that the vaccine had NO ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES, or tracking devices, we were honestly shocked and offended. Like, what’s the point of getting vaccinated if the government won’t be putting a little GPS in you? (We want the FBI to know when we are at their mother’s house).

• Hold your mother’s hand. We still do. 

• Don’t set up an appointment. Just waltz right in. Trust us, they love it when you do that.

• Acquire herd immunity at Reno on a Saturday night. Do you miss partying? Do you miss hundreds of people you know gathered together, playing the wh*test trap songs you’ve heard? (Drake, Chief Keef, Juice… we’re so sorry they did that to you sweeties.) Head to Reno! Not only will you be immune, but you can check out those cool kids only we-are-outside-so-its-safe hang out sessions.

So that’s it folks. Remember to post a picture of you getting vaccinated with the hashtag #SharahLorganDidItBetter for a chance to enter a giveaway in which the prize is an entry for a different giveaway. The prize? A kiss on the forehead mwah.