Q: There’s an alien in my kitchen! HELP!

A: We appreciate that you took the time to check our Instagram story amidst a potential universe-altering event. Funnily enough, one of us had the exact same experience last week– I took it to school. The least you can do for your alien is provide it with a proper education. 

They can drive the UFO to school– I’d like to see DC parking enforcement try to give them a $50 ticket for parking on Chesapeake (they’ll find a way… they always do). 

Going through security was tricky. Despite taking off the alien’s hoops and doc martens, and removing its phone from its pocket, the metal detector kept buzzing due to the liquid mercury that flowed through its veins. I thought we were through when the alien’s bag came out of the x-ray but the officer shook her head. 

“What do you have in there?” she asked. 

“Nuclear bombs capable of destroying solar systems?” The alien replied.

“Nope.”

“Carnivorous viruses which will excruciatingly devour your planet?”

“Nope.”

“A 16oz cherry vanilla bath and body works perfume?”

“Absolutely unacceptable. I’ll have to keep that.” The officer snatched the bottle and placed it on top of the x-ray machine.

We made our way up the stairs to my first-period Psych class, but the alien needed to make a pit stop in the bathroom. Despite the fact that it’s an eternal ageless genderless supernatural being, I figured no one would look twice in the boys’ bathroom.

“Where are half the mirrors?” It asked.

“No one knows,” I replied.

“I didn’t realize there are gravitational winds on this planet– that must make aiming difficult here,” the alien said, gesturing at the mysterious puddles all over the floor. “Are you sure your plumbing can handle raw polonium-210?” 

“It’s seen worse.”

The alien walked into a stall and did its business. All the lights went out, then an eerie glow radiated from the stall, and distant chanting in a thousand tongues rang throughout the room.

When the alien was done, it awkwardly walked over to the sink. Desperately, it pumped the only remaining soap dispenser.

“How can there be such shortages on a planet with ample natural resources?” It demanded.

“Just rinse your hands off and wipe them on your pants. Don’t bother with the hand dryer either.”

“Your planet is vile and unhygienic.”

As we made our way out of the bathroom, we heard an ominous countdown echoing through the hallways. 

“What now?” I looked over at the alien.

“This isn’t me,” it replied.

As we rounded the corner we found ourselves face-to-face with Coach Boone, who was shouting at us that we were being hall swept and that we needed to come with him.

“But we’re going right to class,” protested the alien.

“Doesn’t matter,” Boone replied.

“But you’ll just make us even later,” the alien complained.

“You shouldn’t have been late in the first place,” Boone said.

“I’ve traveled the universe in search of something of value, something to make my endless life of torture feel worth it since the beginning of time itself, and you won’t let me go to my psychology class because I’m sixty seconds late?”

“You look pretty tall, have you ever played basketball?” Boone asked.

“I’m unfamiliar with the concept. Is that anything like manipulation of dark matter inside a black hole?”

“No– but I’ll make you a deal: I’ll let you go to class if you play for the basketball team.”

“Deal.”

What a coincidence we both had aliens in our house this past week! I hope there isn’t some sort of invasion.

Q: I’m in love with my best friend’s mom. How do I rizz?

A: We have a couple questions for you first, bud! Are they in a happy marriage? Are they divorced? If the answers to these questions are no, you have a fighting chance. Women love a romantic entanglement they can never (ever, ever) pursue. First, convince your best friend to join crew, you’ll never see them again…and you’ll have their mom to yourself. Next, innocently head over to their house, requesting help with a book from English class (preferably one they read in their book club). 

Now that you have mom to yourself, invoke #rizz. Need I say more? You’re set. Unless your best friend is your brother…In that case, I hear there’s a hot new basketball player at our school. (See: There’s an alien in my kitchen! HELP!)

With oh so much love,

Hadley and Benjy •