Be. Who. You. Are. For. Pride. Guys, pride month is HERE! Blast the Cupcakke and Lady Gaga, turn up the Beyoncé, because this pride month will be crazy. Call up Frankie Grande and every gay you know and make sure to show up for pride parades across the US! Be there or be SQUIGLY, because these lines are anything but straight. If you need me at that time, I’ll be at the top of a pride float, and I’m not joking. It’s officially June, which means anyone who is found NOT being GAY will immediately be reported to the FBI. Happy Pride!

I have a bone to pick with impatient drivers. Stop honking your horn for absolutely no reason. The world is not going to implode just because I paused for a moment before going on a green. Perhaps I don’t want to get hit by someone running a red. Also, why do you feel the need to change lanes to pass a single car or lane drift? It’s just annoying and slows everyone down. Learn some patience, please. You aren’t going to get to your destination that much faster by blowing past me. Finally, slow down in school zones you jerk, there are kids!!

Every summer, all I want to do is enjoy a nice warm day outdoors. Instead, I find myself violently swatting my arms and legs every three seconds trying to kill the blood-sucking monsters that keep attacking me. Mosquito season actually makes me grateful for spiders. Spiders! I refrain from killing spiders for all of June and July, hoping they will do their Darwin-appointed job of killing mosquitoes for me since store-bought repellent never does. I swear I really do love DC, but I become desperate to flee during the summer months and go to whatever mosquito-free oasis I can find.