Running sucks. I used to love it, but over time it has destroyed my body, and I’ve come to hate it. For some reason though, I can’t stop, and the adrenaline I get from completing each mile is enough to euthanize a bull. So today, let’s compile the best places to run in D.C. so you can get shredded like me.

The routes in Anacostia Park are always a solid choice. It’s always fun to run along the water and enjoy the serene view, or instead, you can throw yourself into the Anacostia and end your misery! Either one works. All the trails are long, so you can give those chicken legs a workout. We all know you guys need the exercise.

Rock Creek is also a gorgeous locale with fantastic topography to boot. If you like to enjoy scenic views while running, this is the spot for you. Too bad it reeks of all the people who bathe in the creek (like seriously gross guys, people pee in there). There’s also the route behind the McDonald’s in Van-Ness that has a shorter trail, but is very arduous and good for a quick intensive run. I did find a condom there once, so proceed with caution.

One of my personal favorite places to run is near Pierce Mill in Rock Creek Park. The trails are even and smooth, making them perfect for a long run. The year-long autumnal scenery is gorgeous and the perfect place to take a picture for Instagram to prove to your hallway crush that you actually exercise.  Running there at night is wicked too, and a little spooky. I swear I once saw a ghost that looked exactly like Jonathan Davis.

But the very best place to run in D.C. is straight to your home, where you should forever stay and not even think about engaging in an activity as horrible as running. Like seriously people, did you not even hear a word of what I said? Running sucks. Do yourself a favor and just stay in bed. Game of Thrones won’t watch itself.