Dear drama queen or king, welcome to Hall Pass to Wisdom, your new favorite Beacon column. We know the crackdown on passes to the bathroom has increased, but unfortunately we don’t have any of those for you. We’ve decided to give you passes to wisdom instead! The following questions are ones that we believe are pressing to the JR community.
“How do I get him to take me off opened for 3 weeks…I’ve already double snapped him”
- One and only baddest
We’ve found a great solution is taking his phone and answering your own snaps. Other than that, there’s really nothing to do except find a new man. This one definitely isn’t worth your time, since he clearly can’t bother to open a single measly picture you send him (no matter how hot you look, baddie). We recommend leaving him in your past and moving on. Instead, devote yourself to finding a summer fling. Good luck!
“I need a boyfriend, but I can’t seem to find one because I always make fun of guys”
- Chronically single, not by choice
Let us start by saying, we understand. It is hard to be nice to the male gender, especially when so many lack common sense. But we encourage you to hold off on the meanness (not forever, don’t worry!) for at least a couple minutes while talking to the guy. Innocent till proven guilty, right? Let him dig his own grave before you put him in it with your Gilmore Girls-esque comebacks. And after a ton of trial and error, we have learned that some of them actually aren’t too bad. (We think.)
“I made a single by 16 deal with my kindergarten boyfriend, and now I’m turning 16 in a couple days and we’re both single.”
- Condemned teen bride
Tbh we fail to see how this is a problem. As two chronically single girls, we’ll take any deal that comes our way. But if you really want to avoid a self-imposed arranged marriage, we’re here to help. First, you need to figure out his mom’s darkest secret and spread it at a PTSA meeting (or on Urban Moms so it really spreads like wildfire), so his family has to move out of town because long distance never works. If that fails, you need to get a glow up so when he shows up on your door with a ring, he drops dead because he can’t handle your hotness (bonus points if the ring is expensive). We hope this works, and if not we’re wishing for a trust fund and an unfortunate accident for him.
We hope you enjoyed our excellent advice. Anyways, in a short few weeks, we will all walk out these doors and never return (until September). So, to celebrate our impending freedom we would like to challenge all of our readers to take the summer and forget all about Jackson-Reed (we know we will). And when we get back, make sure to submit your questions you’re in dire need of an answer to in the link in our bio! <3
XOXO your favorite bad advice givers •