Welcome back to Hall Pass to Wisdom, your guide to school, friends, sketchy cafeteria food, and everything in between, with a tint of that Jackson-Reed sarcasm we all just love. After our chaotic last segment (and a summer spent reflecting), we’ve decided to ease back into our regularly scheduled programming to answer the essential back-to-school questions.
“How are we supposed to handle everything?”
Burnt Out and Overcommitted
This question hits a little too close to home for us. But lucky for you, that means we have some top-tier advice for you! There are many ways to solve this teeny tiny problem, but our favorite is this amazing invention we call caffeine. Our catchphrase is “sleep is overrated!” In truth, this mindset is the key to doing everything. Deprioritize your sleep and just chug a Celsius every morning! We swear on our APUSH grades it works.
“My Spotify daylist last week said “Alto theater kid Sunday afternoon.” I’m NOT a theater kid. I just occasionally (a lot) listen to Hamilton! Not my fault! I’m worried my Spotify Wrapped (and reputation) will forever be ruined. Help!”
Listening to Hamilton instead of doing my APUSH notes
The real question here is evident: why would this ruin your reputation? Hamilton is a superior musical that does not deserve any of the slander you’re giving it. In honor of starting new extracurriculars this year for college apps, you should take your obvious obsession to a new level and audition for Mamma Mia this spring. But, if you really are that concerned about your Spotify Wrapped, we recommend cultivating your Canva skills and photoshopping your Spotify Wrapped to whoever you believe won’t end your social life. Best of luck and don’t get caught, because that would be embarrassing.
We would just like to add a small disclaimer to avoid any liability: take our advice with a grain of salt. Don’t burn a hole in your stomach by drinking Celsius and please sleep. Honestly, our recent promotion to upperclassmen has gone to our heads. Nonetheless, if you are in dire need of advice from your elders, don’t hesitate to send us your questions! (Insert rickrollnumber here).
xoxo your favorite columnists•