Ladies and Libertarians-sorry, Gentlemen- we’ve recently had a long winter break followed by a brief political hiatus from yours truly, and this hyperaware political columnist spent nearly every minute of it trying to find you the new inside scoop. By combing through countless ‘Drudge Report’ articles, tirelessly listening to every minute of each new Limbaugh and Beck installment, and pulling together all sorts bits and pieces from across the internet, I formed a comprehensive analysis of the state of our country. What I found may confuse some, scare others, and make little sense to most, but here’s what everyone can understand: Marco Rubio CAN NOT be our next president. A shocker, I know, but here’s why…

1. Rumor has it that Marco Rubio’s birth certificate is fake, but not in the way you’re thinking. His full name, according to numerous sources is actually “Marco Rubio — Version 12.” Yes, that’s right, Marco Rubio is in fact a robot. Those answers that he seems to repeat verbatim are not actually pre-prepared statements but in fact a programming bug causing Rubio 12, as he was nicknamed at birth, to be unable to come up with any new original thoughts other than those already swirling around his circuit board.
2. Rubio’s tax plan seemingly benefits everyone and would be a huge step towards reducing financial inequality in this country. While it may work if well executed, it would result in a federal income reduction of, at a minimum, 2.4 trillion dollars over the next ten years. (Coincidentally, that is the same amount of money recently granted to the Marco Rubio foundation for the new and improved Robot Rubio Generation X.) The added debt would see our government cut large amounts of public spending out of necessity in the form of subsidies, which would hit the lower economic classes much harder than the upper classes, recreating and widening the inequality from before the tax policy was instituted. Much like Rubio’s attempt at debating, this would cause our country’s economy to fall into a repeating cycle that ends in only disappointment.
3. Given Rubio’s performance in the two recent primaries (Iowa’s so called ‘caucus’ doesn’t count because the caucus is just a publicity stunt to seem unique, and EVERYTHING Iowa does is just an attempt to be hipster), his ability to win the Republican nomination seems less and less likely with each coming day. Finishing behind Trump in both primaries is pretty poor for Rubio, who needed a strong showing to get a jump start on the rest of primary season. Albeit, with Jeb Bush recently dropping out of the race, most of his supporters may go to Rubio, giving him a lot of momentum for the future, we have some cause for concern.  
4. He doesn’t know how to drink a bottle of water. No more needs to be said.
5. On a more serious note, Rubio has time and time again declared his stance on abortion as having no exceptions unless it is to save the life of the mother, explicitly not including rape and incest in his exceptions. Even the most radical conservatives, including Donald Trump, have given exception to abortion in the case of rape, but not Rubio. His complete lack of respect for someone facing pregnancy as a result of rape or incest, combined with his inability to give a clear answer when pressured on this issue shows not only his ignorance, but his obvious aversion to do anything but spew party propaganda to appear the ‘purest’ conservative.

PHOTO BY MICHAEL VADON